Self-Deprecation: Pet Peeves

Levi Kahn

Self-Deprecation

1/8/14

1) When people, like, can’t go one sentence without, like, saying like. It, like, ruins what otherwise could have been, like, an intelligent, and like, articulate thing to say.

2) When people can’t go two sentences without saying literally and either a) don’t mean it, b) don’t need to say it, or c) don’t appear to understand the meaning of the word. If a person prefaces a statement with the word literally and then proceeds to exaggerate, I am forced to hold back an incredible urge to explain to them how ridiculous they sound.

3) When people can’t go three sentences without saying legit, an apparent hyphenation of the actual English word legitimately. The rampant, out of control use of this word in particular bares no comprehensible meaning and not only contributes nothing to the sentence in which it is used but takes away from what had the possibility of being an intelligent, well-thought out statement and instead turned it into a pointless, useless, blabbering statement of inconsequential nonsense through the use of that one “word” that is not quite a word.

4) People who root against the home town team and/or for another team for no apparent reason. This shouldn’t bother any sane person, but I find an unusual amount of anger in people rooting against their hometown professional team and for another city’s team just to be different.

5) While eating assorted candy, being asked for “a red one” or another specific color. Oh, sure, let me dig through my half-eaten box of Mike and Ike’s to find you a red one. Not only are you asking me for a piece of the candy that I spent my own hard-earned money on, but you have the gall to ask me for a specific flavor. That could even be my personal favorite flavor, in which case I am giving up my favorite kind of my favorite candy to please your every desire as if I am waiting your table, which I am most decidedly not and never will be doing. But, trust me, I’m so glad I was able to provide you with your favorite flavor. How awful a friend I would have been if I only gave you a piece of my candy that was your second or, God forbid, third favorite flavor.

6) Suburban kids who are convinced that they are hardcore gangsters. I’m not one to judge, but I have a feeling that living at your mom’s house blaring Chief Keef at 25 years old is not exactly considered successful. But then again who am I to talk.

7) Republicans. Sorry.

8) Rednecks. Again, sorry.

9) Drunks (see item #8)

9B) Smokers (see item #9)

10) The apparent failure of the American education system to provide their students with a basic understanding of the differences between there, their, and they’re. Also, the lack of comprehension of the difference between your and you’re is outstanding.